The Assignment

She said, "Look there and tell me what you see."

It was a hot, muggy summer morning, the sort that began draped in fog close to the ground.  Since it was now nearing 9 o'clock in the morning, the fog had only moved up a few feet to filter the end of summer rays into a pretty haze.

As our feet pressed the small stones of the gravel road deeper into their temporary resting places, I turned my head to see where she pointed. My mind quickly processed the scene.  It was a tire swing.  Average, smallish black tire.  Humm…. too short, I thought. The chain that was holding the tire to the maple branch wasn't really long enough to get decent air for the rider.  The grass underneath didn't show the telling bare spots of heavy use.  Yeah, I thought, this was going to be easy to answer.

"I see summer on a discount," I replied.

Green eyes widened a bit before peals of laughter echoed around the curve of that country road.  I just grinned back at her as I did what I often do, side-track her momentarily with my special brand of smart-assery.

She reaches over to give me a little shove on the shoulder and then continues with her brand of therapy as we walk.

"I have an assignment for you.  I want you to go home and write something called 'Summer on a Discount.'
Right now, think about all of the things that this summer has offered you. Go lay in the grass and think about the simple things you enjoy. Think about your love. Think about the fun you had with your kids and write something about it.  It is your homework. "

A rare moment of silence passes between us, as I attempt to sift through the slightly chaotic noise in my mind.  

I knew what she was trying to do.  We both knew this summer was coming to a difficult end for me. Things had happened.  Long standing foundations that I had always fallen back on were no longer as they were.  My paradigm had shifted.  

She is worried about me.  I am not telling her everything, and she doesn't like it.   I am internalizing things.  I see her face cringe as I speak of change.   These things make her wary.

It is hard to describe myself as seen through her eyes.  Not because the vision is muddied or unclear, but because she see so very much.  To her I am a bright shining light. She says the world needs what I offer; my love, acceptance, kindness, honesty, intelligence and even my sensual side.

She doesn't like to read the poems where I express my thoughts and feelings about dying.  She hates to hear me tell her where I wish I could be buried, as we drive casually down the road.  To me, I am making necessary plans. To her, it is a truth that she doesn't want to experience of where two were walking, then becoming one.   

You see, we laugh together; watching the other persons face contort and their eyes fill with laughing tears.  She is one of the few that has ever heard my tears of pain; I don't let anyone see them. She sat next to me during sporting events, rooting my son on as he struggled over hurdles and white lines.  She is my real life friend. The absence of me means something very different to her than it will mean to most everyone else whose eyes linger here.

"Summer on a Discount, eh? Well. I will try, alright. That is all I can promise."

We speak of other things as goldfinches dance along the roadside and butterflies taunt us with their pretty wings. Our voices drown out the subtle crunch from the soles of our shoes upon that gravel road.

"Summer on a Discount"

discounted summer
   finds you riding a tire swing with a too short chain
   feeling a little breeze as you leave the ground again and again

   it finds you splashing in the pond on hot hazy days
   instead of riding the wild salty ocean waves

discounted summer
   finds you and your daughter wearing flowers in your hair
   instead of seeing Mickey and Minnie and forgetful Pooh Bear

   it finds you walking in the woods with the bugs and bees
   instead of walking on concrete, walls of glass looming instead of trees

discounted summer
   finds you stepping deep into the world of another hundreds of miles away
   instead of living in full the lonely of your existence day after day

   and it means remembering because you never forget
   and wishing like hell for something real to hold close, something to regret.